Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Carbon Offsets Scheme

After watching Mr. Gore on TV today I think I understand this Carbon Offsets thing. Here's how it works... if you are one of those 'rich' Americans that Democrats such as Kennedy, Boxer, Pelosi, Kerry, Gore or Edwards despise you can continue to use excessive resources by paying someone to plant a proportional number of trees on your behalf to make you carbon neutral. Kind of like Islam... you can continue harming things but with less guilt !


Here's what Senator IOpian's question would be to Mr. Gore:

IOpian: Mr. Gore, now that you're through with this infantile boycott of the minority's opening statements, I would to like to get your opinon on something; what do you think would happen to global temperatures if the nuclear process of the Sun suddenly stopped?

Mr Gore: ( smirking ) You mean what would happen if the Sun became carbon neutral? I think there is a consenus that it would get dark.

IOpian: Is that all? What do you think would happen to global temperatures ?

Mr. Gore: The world would freeze. The science is solid. It would be a true planetary emergency.

IOpian: Mr. Gore, how much CO2 would we need to pump into the atmosphere to warm the Earth back up ? I mean, I'm not a scientist like yourself but if CO2 is the cause of global warming it seems logical that....

Mr. Gore: No no it doesn't work like that. Without the Sun CO2 has no effect. There has to be heat from someplace to be trapped by greenhouse gases.

IOpian: OK Mr. Gore let me ask you this; is it fair to say that the Sun is Earth's primary source of heat.

Mr. Gore: I believe the science is settled on that matter.

IOpian: Finally Mr. Gore I'd like to discuss some scientific truths that counter your views...

Mr. Gore: ( with fingers in ears ) la la la la la la na na it's settled na nan a nan la la la la....

IOpian: Mr. Gore Please... compose yourself !

Mr. Gore: Whot? Oh, I apologize... it's a conditoned response...

IOpian: Thank you. Now since you apparently have your finger on the global thermostat what temperature would you set it to ?

Mr. Gore: Well.... cooler than it is now.

IOpian: So cooling is good ? How cool is too cool and at what temperature do we risk inducing an ice age ?

Mr. Gore: Yes cooling is good until it gets too cool then it switches over and warming becomes good until it gets too hot. It what we scientist call a 'cycle'.

IOpian: Has the Earth ever had a static temperature where it was neither cooling or warming?

Mr. Gore: No. Not according to the hockey stick.

IOpian: You mean the graph of CO2 levels conveniently cut off so as not to show larger scale trends.....

Mr. Gore: ( with fingers in ears ) la la la la la la na na na nan a nan la la la la....

IOpian: ... over a longer period of time.....

Mr. Gore: ( with fingers in ears ) la la la la la la na na na nan a nan la la la la....

IOpian: ... indicating that the current warming is just a natural cycle... MR. GORE !!!

Chair Boxer: ( banging gavel ) SENATOR IOPIAN !!! You are out of order ! Citizen Gore is attempting to respond and you're not letting him.

IOpian: Madam Chair I respectfully disagree....

Chair Boxer: ( waving gavel in Sen IOpian's face ) Look buster, you lost the election and this gavel is mine.... nan na nan a naaaana....... your time is up.

( suddenly at these words a herd of trained seals begin a rapturous cacophony of barking and clapping. )

IOpian: ( mubbling under his breathe...) keep this childish crap up and it won't be yours for long.

Chair Boxer: Former president-elect Gore I want to thank you for your leadership and courage facing these the challenges of averting this imminent global catastrophe. Your a hero... your a saint... your a prophet. In fact, you're the kind of person that warms my globes.

Mr. Gore: Thank you Madam Chair, and I gotta tell ya, that's what puts the wood in my tree....

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